“I’ve had the same curtains for 40 years, I’ve never had a pedicure, I allowed myself to enjoy my job, we occasionally ate tinned macaroni cheese and I let my children be who they wanted to be,” she said. “Just stop worrying.”
It got me thinking. As parents, do we worry too much about whether we're doing the right thing by our children? They've never had it so good in terms of nutrition, opportunities and information at their screen-addicted fingertips.
When it comes to the crunch, our role is simply to teach them to become independent, isn't it? Sad though it is (sometimes!), our job is to teach them not to need us anymore. So what do you wish you'd been taught earlier? What 10 commandments do you think our children really ought to adhere to, instead of learning Mandarin and playing for Chelsea, which - let's face it - are just not an option for most of us? If you were to get knocked over by the proverbial bus tomorrow, what advice would you have wanted to leave behind for them in a letter? Here are my top nine (subject to change as I think of more!):
YOUR MIND - Use it or lose it. Read, write, draw, do puzzles, play games, experiment, try new activities, and most importantly LISTEN. You have one mouth and two ears for a reason! You are so lucky to have a free education. Grown ups pay for it in their taxes, but you don't have to pay for your school books and bring them with you. Nor do you have to walk for miles to find the nearest teacher. Appreciate school. Adults look back at their school years, when so much was done for them and so many different options lay ahead of them, and think of them as the happiest times of their lives.
BE DIFFERENT AND APPRECIATE DIFFERENCE - Learn from other adults and children too. We're all different. That's what makes life interesting. People like Mark Ormrod have been able to achieve incredible feats despite what life has thrown at them. Remember them when you're feeling lazy or uninspired. Aim to get the qualifications for a career that you're going to really enjoy, not just a job that pays well or sounds good. This is one of the biggest decisions you'll ever make. The other is who you'll share your life with and that should be based on the mind too. Whose advice will you rely on in years to come? Who will you be able to rely on and who won't you mind being there for when they are ill, unhappy or struggling with something?
BE YOU - You're special. Unique. But so is everyone else and we've all got just as much right to be here and to be treated with respect and courtesy. So treat other people as you would like to be treated. If you're polite to people, they are usually polite back. If you are helpful, they'll remember and often return the favour. See the film Pay it Forward. But don't be a doormat either. Stand up for yourself and, using your voice and your reason, explain to someone who has upset you or hurt your feelings why you feel wronged. Ask for an apology and then move on. We all make mistakes. That's another way we learn. Pay It Forward
YOUR SOULMATE - Friends and family are so important because experiences are much more fun if there's someone to share it with. Your brother or sister will always be there for you, no matter how annoying you find them, and s/he's the only other person in the world who knows what it's like to be you. So take care of him. Take your time in working out who else you can really trust and who you want to spend time with. Choose people that make you feel comfortable - not those that drag you down or bully you into doing things you're not happy with. Be generous with your time when you’re with those people you love, rather than assuming they’ll always be there. Like, for instance, looking up from your Smart Phone every now and then when they're communicating with you 😉 Be thoughtful and remember dates that are special to them. Be patient and take the time to listen to them and try to explain how you are feeling, if ever you are worried about something, because they are on your team and want you to succeed. They are there to help you figure things out when you've got a difficult decision to make. Think about how they are feeling too.
YOUR SKIN - This is your body's largest organ. It's important to take care of it because it's what people see first and first impressions are important in both relationships and job interviews. Apart from the need for basic hygiene, because being smelly can be quite off-putting, you need to wash your face daily. Splash your face with water and gently rub it with a flannel to get rid of dead skin cells. You don't need to buy expensive chemical products to keep your face free of spots and bumps. That just gets rid of your skin's natural oils. Steer clear for as long as you can. But DO wash and DO wear sunscreen in the spring and summer. Put it on your ears, the back of your neck, your nose - have fun with it. Sunburn is very painful, causes skin cancer and it damages your skin, giving you wrinkles and freckles before you're old enough to have earned them. There's a great Baz Luhrman song about this here. He has other good advice too!
YOUR TEETH - This is the third thing that people first notice about you (after your eyes and skin, hopefully!) Clean your teeth twice a day using your electric toothbrush - WITHOUT FAIL. No matter how tired you are. And lay off the sweet stuff! Nothing tastes so good that it's worth the pain, expense and ugliness of having your teeth drilled and filled. Eat apples and cheese to cleanse your teeth at the end of a meal and drink only water between meals. This takes some self-discipline but it's a very small price to pay. If you do have painful teeth, get them checked as soon as possible. It's much easier for the dentist to deal with a small problem than for you to have delayed treatment until a lengthy, painful and costly repair is needed.
YOUR SIZE AND SHAPE - Everybody's different. Your appearance is partly inherited from your dad and I and partly determined by what you do with your body and what you put inside it. Take care of it. There is temptation everywhere. Resist it. It just earns confectionary companies (un)healthy profits. Be sensible. But have the occasional treat mixed in with healthy portions of what helps your body to grow and repair itself. Find a sport or activity that you enjoy and do it often. When you first try alcohol, drink slowly. It dehydrates your body, like tea and coffee does, so drink lots of water as well. Alcohol is a poison. You only need a small amount to feel nice and relaxed. Any more than that and you can feel very, very poorly and have no control over what you're doing and no memory of it. You don't want to be that guy or girl who throws up all over someone else's shoes or insults their friends. Be careful. And look after the guy or girl who does get themselves in a mess.
YOUR THINGS - People might judge you by how you look, what you wear and what sort of mobile phone you have or car you drive. That doesn't really matter. Although not having enough money is a worry, it's not important to be rich. What's important is what you do and how you act. So spend your money on things that you really need and will use a lot. Choose good quality, well-made products that you won't have to keep replacing because the world hasn't got room for lots of chucked-out things that don't biodegrade. (Get a dictionary...!) Look after the possessions you do own. Keep them tidied away so that you know where to find them and take out those things that have sentimental value every now and then, just to remember the good times 😍 Having too much clutter around can make you feel mentally cluttered. Have a one-in, one-out policy. If you buy something new, donate something else.
Lastly, of course, HAVE FUN! Sometimes you need to manufacture that fun and quash the voice inside your head that always points out the negative by pressing an imaginary, big, fat mute button! That takes practice and not even us old dinosaurs are very good at it, but we try.
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